3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
