I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
