dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
