Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
