Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
