this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
