Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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