My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
