She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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