so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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