I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
