You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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