Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
