Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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