just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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