Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Come see our sink grown plant.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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