I can't breathe out the right side of my face
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
