Little spoons don't ask big questions
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
