he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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