He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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