Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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