I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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