My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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