Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
