She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
