remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
