Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
