I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
smell my finger.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
