my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
