...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
