I can tuck mytits in my pants
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
