it was like having sex with a tree stump
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
