party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
