I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
