Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
