I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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