Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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