dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Randomize
