All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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