Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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