I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
