I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
