I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
