whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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