Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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