just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
