I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
