sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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