if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
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