look no pants
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
