Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Did you pee in the oven last night??
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
