Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
