i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
