he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
