Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
