I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
