Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
